32 Bad Ideas

None of these will save your brand.

1. Limousine-length shitty cars

2. A snowman made of hamburger meat

3. A windbreaker made of prosciutto

4. Wine hikes (You get a bottle of wine per person and do a hike. Each person slowly sips from the bottle. When you get to the halfway point in the bottle, turn around and go back)

5. Trying to keep a bunch of houseplants alive in your car

6. Daycare in an armored-car in a post-apocalyptic world (The armored car would be three times the height of a normal armored car, giving kids three tiers of window-slitted, padded playground mayhem. Rolling on tank tread for max stability. Wall nozzles supply vitaminized milk-water from a bulletproof cistern in the undercarriage. It picks up the kids at sunrise and drops them off at nightfall. Basically, an indestructible schoolbus that is also a mobile playground for use in a world where life is cheap and civilization hangs by a thread)

7. Volleyball with a Jack-o’-lantern

8. Dildos arranged in a vase

9. A handle-less drone umbrella that follows you around when it rains

10. French toast used as shin guards

11. A car horn that is always honking and is only not honking when you honk it

12. A mirror-plated sundial that blinds you if you try to check the time

13. An ancient book bound in bands of braided bone and gold on a dusty dais in an echoing catacomb that proves too heavy to lift and abscond with, requiring you to crack it open, to see if anything of value might be gleaned from skimming its pages, only to have your literal soul sucked forever into its sorcerous poetry upon parsing the very first line

14. Imperceptible milk stains all over an all-white tuxedo

15. Tetris but the pieces fall up

16. Philosophers dividing all possible thoughts into 118 types, then assigning each type of thought a number and Latin abbreviation, then concisely illustrating all 118 on a periodic table that’s the the same shape as the periodic table of the elements, so people will think thinking is science

17. Children sledding down hills on oversized Scream masks

18. The Declaration of Independence and the U.S. Constitution printed on opposite sides of a Scream mask

19. The family dog on the parlor floor gnawing on a ragged, old Scream mask

20. Newlyweds driving away down a country road in a Volkswagen van, dragging a train of Scream masks

21. Water polo played with a fortuneteller’s ball

22. An enormous library with a waterbed floor

23. A journalist who ages in reverse like Benjamin Button ferociously objecting to demands made by their editor that they write their articles in a more interesting style, arguing that everything they write is intrinsically interesting, regardless of style, because they age in reverse like Benjamin Button

24. Sneezing so hard you backflip

25. Saving spit in a piggy bank

26. An all-wicker skyscraper

27. Flipping off a black hole just you crest the event horizon, and it starts to suck you in, middle-finger first, making your middle finger extremely long for a trillion millennia that feel, to you, like only a few short seconds, and leaving bird finger-shaped dark matter vibrating outward forever, eventually touching every particle in the universe long after you vanish and only the black hole remains

28. Being hugged by someone who hugs way too much, and quantum leaping into them, and feeling what a hug means to them

29. Pulling a full KitKat out of your breast pocket, breaking off one of the bars, and lighting the end like a cigarette while sliding the other three back into the pocket unbroken. Then taking a long, smooth milk-chocolate drag, and looking up at the moon and exhaling, thinking about the past

30. A boomerang that is also a flask.

31. An award presented through a mist so thick, neither presenter nor awardee knows who each other are

32. A tornado of competing happinesses that levels, overnight, all the sorrows we have spent a lifetime building