Underground Auctioneer Classes
An introductory deal for new clients as I try to grow my small business.
Hello there! Yes, you! I say, you have that look about you—I can tell—it’s the look of an aspiring auctioneer. Did you know that ordinary auctioneers speak only four times faster than the human voice? At my beginner-level auctioneer bootcamp in the sewer, you’ll learn to speak at eight times that speed in the deep damp dark. Upon emerging from the realm of shit and shadow, you’ll speak twice as fast as practicing auctioneers and eight times faster than average people! And the full eight-week course is available for only $699! Two meals a day and a blanket bundle included. But did you know that, right now, I’m also running a limited-time introductory deal that includes the full eight-week course for only $399! That’s a whopping $300 off—no small change with inflation pushing everything else up, up, up! And if you’re still asking yourself if it’s worth it, that’s great! That means you’re savvy. I can tell you’re going to be a phenomenal auctioneer. So let me hit you with something you may not be aware of: by the time I end this sentence, I will only have been speaking for just under four point five seconds! That’s right, everything I’ve just said has taken less time than it takes most people to sneeze twice. So you know I can deliver on my promise of turning you into a blazingly fast talker. And all that without any loss to comprehension or sacrifice of complexity of syntax or diction. I think you’ll agree that everything I have said, despite elapsing in the time it takes a fruit fly to circle a dead apple, has been pristine in its clarity. If so, slink down into the deep damp dark with me. Let me show you a world of brutal, pre-modern beauty full of sparkling slime molds and the flushed secrets of civilization. Embark on my speech-hastening course in the cramped classrooms of a sprawling labyrinth of gothic resplendence, whispering echoes, and scurrying vermin! Is that you? your friends will remark upon your re-emergence topside, and maybe it won’t be, for the sewer rarely writes receipts for all that it improves, and many who brave its ruins find their very souls stirred from the outside in! $399 is a small price to pay for such a thorough metamorphosis, no? I simply ask that you consider it. Consider, too, that everything I have said to you today has taken only seven and a half to eight seconds to say. Has anyone ever wasted your time less? Kindly ask yourself how long it would have taken you to say the same thing. After that, I’m confident you’ll join me.